idk what to write here
and i dont want to throw ai slop here
so you get THIS instead
you clicked
you did this to yourself
ggs

i joke 95% of the time
the other 5% is legally admissible in court and is monitored by 3 fbi agents
classified government information
one of them has started rooting for me
we don't talk about agent keerthi prakash suvarna

the pentagon denied my own brain access
the brain filed an appeal
the appeal was denied
the brain is now on a watchlist
the brain appealed the watchlist
we're in year 3 of proceedings
nobody is winning

entire day: npc_idle_animation.exe
existing_poorly.anim
task manager is not responding
[task manager is going through something]
[please do not ask task manager how it is doing]
[task manager has filed for emotional damages]
[this is not fine]
[nobody knows what fine is anymore]

but at 1:03 AM
brain boots like a haunted windows update demon and
overclocks like hitting silicon lottery on RTX 5090
or a raccoon discovering electricity
or the fever dream i had in 2019
tab 74 is just white
has been white for 3 weeks
tab 74 knows things
i will never close tab 74
tab 74 is the only constant in my life

productivity?
absolutely not

opening 73 tabs about one term on the dark web
that doesn't even exist in the Oxford Dictionary
or the ancient Library of Alexandria?

elite performance

for example
hairline went to buy milk
no goodbye
no forwarding address
no text back
just gone
started a new family somewhere
thriving apparently
good for it honestly
i've moved on
[i have not moved on]

my reaction was not sadness

instead i downloaded the entire lore of hair follicles
cross referenced with 14 reddit threads
i will find ways to grow it back
like cretaceous era forests
keerthi already knows
of course keerthi knows

new tech stack released somewhere on earth?
absolutely unacceptable
must consume documentation
like a starving raccoon eating ethernet cables
behind a data center
at 3am
in the rain
maintaining eye contact with the security camera
the security guard has stopped watching
the security guard is concerned
the security guard has called someone
it was keerthi

normal people read books for fun
i read API documentation recreationally
and i RATE them
gcp docs: 9/10 made me feel things
springboot docs: a cry for help formatted as a knowledge base
aws docs: written by someone who has never used aws
data dog log: stages of grief presented as logs
my own docs written at 2am: DO NOT OPEN
[you opened it]
[why did you open it]
[this is on you]

i also experiment like a resident evil mad scientist
except instead of bioweapons
i experiment stuff like hairstyle
food
cursed forbidden tech

phone broken
pc screaming
laptop fully possessed
wifi acting paranormal
printer doing satanic rituals
microwave blinking SOS since 2011
roomba gone feral declared war on dogs
smart tv developing opinions and sharing them unprompted
fridge sent a strongly worded email
toaster has demands
we are in negotiations
negotiations are not going well
the toaster has leverage
i don't know what the leverage is
i'm scared to find out

they summon me with the elder scroll
i arrive
i fix it
community service?
to atone for my digital war crimes (ICC is investigating)
i leave
no one asks how i'm doing
the toaster asks
i don't answer
the toaster remembers

my sleep schedule
is a legacy system from 2007
no documentation
no patch notes
no developer support
no will to live
original engineer left
took the source code
took the documentation
took the snacks
left a sticky note that said
"lol good luck"
the sticky note has since gained sentience
the sticky note agrees with the engineer
the sticky note and the engineer are friends now
they have brunches
they don't invite me
of course they wont
this is fine
[this is not fine]
[nothing has been fine since 2019]
[what happened in 2019]
[i don't remember]
[the sticky note remembers]
[the sticky note won't tell me]

also my memory is deeply, cosmically sus

i remember what i ate
what i ate on july 14th 2016
a conversation from 2014 at 6:42 PM verbatim
every error message i've ever seen
the lore of a show i watched once in 2011
your IP address
(i'm joking lol)
[or am i]
[keerthi just looked up from his desk]
[we made eye contact]
[he closed his laptop]
[he opened it again]
[he closed it again]
[this has been going on for 40 minutes]
[the laptop has opinions about this]
[the laptop and the toaster are talking]

aws will probably kidnap me
to study this cursed archival storage

anyway

known in my social circle as
the walking google
where gemini internally cries
begging me to provide answers
chatgpt stares into the void
the void stares back
the void takes notes
the void has a better sleep schedule than me
i don't want to talk about it

also i dont use insta
or snap or other things that these peasants use
i communicate exclusively via github commits
passive aggressive documentation
and concerning eye contact
how cool am i(insert wojak crying behind a smirk mask meme)

mate i intern at thomson reuters
if anyone from there sees this
i am legally a different person
this is a social experiment
this is performance art
this is a cry for help
schrodingers cat wrote this
the cat simultaneously exists and doesn't
much like my career prospects
much like my sleep schedule
much like tab 74
the cat and tab 74 are the same entity
i don't want to think about this

hr will summon me
like a dark souls boss fight

yes
yes im absolutely unhinged
no i will not be taking questions
yes i will answer them anyway
at 1:03 AM
unrequested
with citations
and a bibliography of sources that don't exist yet
but will
because i will create them
at 1:03 AM
alongside tab 74
and the toaster
we have a system
keerthi is watching
bruv why are you still here lmfao